The Secret...No, Not That One

Psssst.  Come here.  No closer.  I want to tell you a secret.  No one knows this so please keep it to yourself.  Okay, here it is...I weigh 148 lbs.  Really, I do, 148.  The only reason I'm telling you now it because I've finally come to accept that fact.  I'm 4' 11-1/2" tall and I weigh 148 lbs. and I'm totally fine with that.  Well, maybe not totally fine but fine enough.  Of course I'd love to be a size 2 but I'd also love to live on my very own deserted island, neither of which is going to happen in this lifetime.  It's time to come to grips with reality and accept things as they are. 

Oh, I'm sure I could weigh less, in fact I have, but not without a whole lot of effort and some pretty unhealthy habits.  There have been periods when I worked out 3 or 4 hours a day, counting every calorie burned against every calorie consumed.  Notebooks in which every bite of food was recorded and broken down by calories, fat grams, and carbs.  I've searched the internet for anorexic websites hoping to learn new tricks like drinking broth, only 5 calories per cube you know.  I've ingested enough water in a day to fill a swimming pool, dangerously washing vital electrolytes out of my system.  There were handfuls of herbal colon cleanse nightly because as long as it's natural I can claim that I'm not addicted to laxatives.   

The scale became an appendage, it went everywhere.  As a sales rep, if I travelled out of town and drove, it came with me.  I hated the trips where I had to fly and leave it at home.  In fact, I missed it more than my family.  I learned where to stand to get the best reading (be sure to exhale because that breath of air might just register) and if I didn't like what it said the first time, I just might get a better number on the 7th or 8th try.  My mood for the entire day depended on what the scale said.  Heaven help us all if it went up, picture the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys.  (Shudder).

During those periods, friends made comments about how thin I was getting.  They discussed options for intervention and encouraged me to see a doctor.  The scary fact is, the doctor never said a word because even then the scale said I weighed a healthy 119 lbs., well within the "normal" range on the BMI chart for a woman my size.  I still remember a doctor telling my 9 yr old self that the rule was 5' - 100 lbs.  5' - 100 lbs, 5' - 100 lbs...that rule might well have been branded on my brain.  It wouldn't have mattered though, at 100 lbs, I'd have wanted to weigh 95 lbs.  No number would have been good enough.  Even I could see how bad I looked, old and gaunt but that didn't matter, it was all about what the scale said.  The number was everything.

After decades of fighting, I finally gave up the battle.  I'm tired, I just can't expend so much energy focusing on a number.  Instead, I made a decision to let it go and just be healthy and happy.  Per my request, my husband hid the scale and after I searched the house to find it, he hid it again, better.  Once I made it through the DT's from quitting cold turkey, I was amazed to see how much brain power was freed up with no number to obsess about, no calories to count, nothing dictating what my mood would be that day.  Oh, so this is life.  Who knew?!

So here I am today, a vegetarian, eating mostly fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, nuts and seeds.  I don't drink soda, alcohol or juice.  I walk the dog for 30 minutes every day and lead a very active life.  I'm aware of but not obsessed with my weight and if I have a piece of chocolate I no longer beat myself bloody for being weak.  This is a lifestyle, not a diet.  I'm proud of my clean and healthy living and am not willing to kill myself to be any thinner.  Apparently my body is comfortable being 148 lbs since this is where it stays and that's good enough for me.  It's called acceptance and it's incredibly freeing.  Try it!  Go look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I accept you just the way you are."  Keep saying it, every day until you believe it.